Please Roll the Die or Use the Secret Passage- YOU KNOW IT!

Have any MTS cable users other than me notice that the highly coveted Nickelodeon channel has magically materialized onto your randomly numbered and squint-inducing channel scroll?

Wow! I thought, finally. All the Hey Arnold! and Danny Phantom that I could ever hope to play in the background while I do mounds of homework.

NO DICE.

The majority of the slotting seems to be filled with Rocko's Modern Life. A cartoon that despite its indisputable entertainment value, I find to be physically and emotionally jarring. I don't know what it is but watching even five minutes breaks me into a cold sweat. Screaming pastels juxtaposed with a soft spoken kangaroo? I need to watch The Walking Dead to get to sleep after that chilling display. And the gaping smile on that circular cow? Holy crap.

                                        Even looking at these pictures puts me on edge.

Not to mention that a minimum of 20% of the screen has to be taken up by eyes at any given time.

If this show paralyzes you with fear. Please contact me and try to articulate what it is. 

I can only console myself with happier 90s times.

For instance, does anyone remember those sample computer games that came in cereal boxes back when we had the patience to boot up our Windows 98s for minutes of minimal entertainment. The best one was definitely Clue. I'd labour through a box of Honey Nut Cherrios any day for a piece of that murderous action. 

You could always count on my dad to keep a continuous supply of Honey Nut Cheerios in the back of the cupboard, and every time we complained we were out of cereal, he'd say "Are You Kidding?" and gesture to the ever-stale Cheerios. So we'd truck through the box so he could justify buying more cereal, like Reese Peanut Butter Pops all of the other 90s cereal abominations. Finally, on that glorious day, when wej finally finished the box he'd come home with a miniature breakfast staple like Cap'n Crunch and another massive double box of those devilish Cheerios. Makes you wish they weren't so good for your heart- I would have gladly died from a heart attack. 

Anyway, back to Clue.

 Aside from Colonel Mustard being an endless source of joy in my life, the real treat was that every time you made a suggestion the magic of clue would graphically reenact the murder situation that you conceived. Forget playing the game! Let's see Professor Plum club the the maid with the lead pipe again...ok now lets see it in the library. And was I always Miss Scarlett? You bet I was, its like the Monopoly tophat. Take that Mrs Peacock, you B-list hussy. Why can't Harry Potter Mystery at Hogwarts Clue be this captivating. Who cares if Harry cast petrificus totalus in potions class...well maybe a little bit.