More Cartoon Feminism: The Snow White Queen- better than pedophilia

I'm sure by now, many of you are wondering if this is a cartoon feminism blog- WELL ITS NOT! 

But this particular sexism dissertation is one that once it got into my head I couldn't get it out.

Please keep in mind that I'm not going to start changing words like mailman to mailperson or hedonism to she-donism.

So here it is, why I side with the Queen from Snow White.

Let's start all this off from her perspective. The queen is a beautiful woman, with immense leadership qualities and on top of all that she is the most accomplished sorceress in the area. 

Then, her husband, the legitimate king, dies leaving her claim to the throne in serious jeopardy, since she is a woman who had no blood claim. 

At the same time, yet she is responsible for her late husbands child to whom she has no blood tie. She was likely a member of the court, who thanks to the direction of her mother and other ladies in her life, probably spent most of her studies learning how to attract a rich mate, which she clearly did because she married the late king.

With no skills other than coquettish sorcery, and who knows to what extent her powers reach, her only hope to secure a financial future and not die, is to remarry, however she is getting increasingly old and it becomes more difficult by the day to get a man. (especially with a brat to take care of)

She is confronted every day by her imminent expiration, guarding the throne with an iron fist.

Then, what do you know, her stepdaughter turns...likely TWELVE, judging by the dimensions of her body, and suddenly the entire world of men has her attention.

They prize the undeveloped preteen for her frivolous skills valued in women at the time such as her abilities to sing,  clean and piss off animals, while they fear the queen rather than respect her. 

Why fear? Is it because of her sorcery? Are we sure that the members of the court and surrounding villagers have heard anything but rumors about her involvement with sorcery? Or is it because she is a woman in a position of power in a time where this is unheard of?

Do they fee like the future of the kingdom is in jeopardy is it because their country is in the hands of a woman and how far would they go to take her down? Perhaps its actually because she is a hard-ass- a very undesirable quality in a woman, and a trait she likely developed as a defense mechanism to convince her subjects that the kingdom was in capable, masculine hands.

Then comes the climactic moment where it all goes south. The queen enters the bedroom that her and her deceased husband once shared, wonders if she'll ever marry again- and in the more adult version of the story- strips naked and stands in front of her magic mirror - probably a piece that she expertly enchanted herself.

Do I still have it? she wonders, I will never be valued for my sorcery and my efforts to run the kingdom, no matter how effective, will always be scowled at and made light of by the men in the court.

In addition, my involvement in the government of my kingdom puts it completely off the map for neighboring kingdoms, we'll always be an afterthought when it comes to trade, military or anything else. I am hurting the country I love, but if I leave the throne, my only means of providing for myself and my stepdaughter will be extinguished.

But am I still beautiful? If I can't have the respect I deserve, can I at least be valued as a woman is valued?

No- woman come with an expiry date and the farther away you are from that day the more attractive you are.

Snow White, the frivolous twelve year old is the fairest. The girl she raised from such a young age like her own child,- do you really think her father, who is both the king and a man in the middle ages, had any part whatsoever in raising Snow White? 

Brea, you may say. Snow White doesn't look that young. Well, it seems that for the Disney Princess toy collection, the artists stealthily revisited her and magically granted her some curves.

So here's old-timey snow white in all her pedophiliac glory.

And here's new Snow White- ever so slightly retouched.

As it turns out, in the original German fairy tale adapted by the Brothers Grimm, Snow White is only seven years olBut that's just fine, after all, Ariel from The Little Mermaid, is only 16.

At this point, who could blame the Queen for going nuts.

Wikipedia's Snow White

Sorry to anyone who waited for the post- I didn't realize that it didn't post and was stuck suspended in drafts.

Please Roll the Die or Use the Secret Passage- YOU KNOW IT!

Have any MTS cable users other than me notice that the highly coveted Nickelodeon channel has magically materialized onto your randomly numbered and squint-inducing channel scroll?

Wow! I thought, finally. All the Hey Arnold! and Danny Phantom that I could ever hope to play in the background while I do mounds of homework.

NO DICE.

The majority of the slotting seems to be filled with Rocko's Modern Life. A cartoon that despite its indisputable entertainment value, I find to be physically and emotionally jarring. I don't know what it is but watching even five minutes breaks me into a cold sweat. Screaming pastels juxtaposed with a soft spoken kangaroo? I need to watch The Walking Dead to get to sleep after that chilling display. And the gaping smile on that circular cow? Holy crap.

                                        Even looking at these pictures puts me on edge.

Not to mention that a minimum of 20% of the screen has to be taken up by eyes at any given time.

If this show paralyzes you with fear. Please contact me and try to articulate what it is. 

I can only console myself with happier 90s times.

For instance, does anyone remember those sample computer games that came in cereal boxes back when we had the patience to boot up our Windows 98s for minutes of minimal entertainment. The best one was definitely Clue. I'd labour through a box of Honey Nut Cherrios any day for a piece of that murderous action. 

You could always count on my dad to keep a continuous supply of Honey Nut Cheerios in the back of the cupboard, and every time we complained we were out of cereal, he'd say "Are You Kidding?" and gesture to the ever-stale Cheerios. So we'd truck through the box so he could justify buying more cereal, like Reese Peanut Butter Pops all of the other 90s cereal abominations. Finally, on that glorious day, when wej finally finished the box he'd come home with a miniature breakfast staple like Cap'n Crunch and another massive double box of those devilish Cheerios. Makes you wish they weren't so good for your heart- I would have gladly died from a heart attack. 

Anyway, back to Clue.

 Aside from Colonel Mustard being an endless source of joy in my life, the real treat was that every time you made a suggestion the magic of clue would graphically reenact the murder situation that you conceived. Forget playing the game! Let's see Professor Plum club the the maid with the lead pipe again...ok now lets see it in the library. And was I always Miss Scarlett? You bet I was, its like the Monopoly tophat. Take that Mrs Peacock, you B-list hussy. Why can't Harry Potter Mystery at Hogwarts Clue be this captivating. Who cares if Harry cast petrificus totalus in potions class...well maybe a little bit.

Pope-lic Relations

On Wednesday, Pope Benedict XVI appeared to bless the new children's ward specializing in spina bifida of the Gemelli hospital in Rome. Pope Benedict brought gifts to each child effected by the spinal birth defect in honor of Epiphany, the time when Catholics believe the three kings gave gifts to Jesus.

Interesting fact, this is the same institution where Pope John Paul II was treated.

Is this Pope PR? or is this just the Pope's job? Wait, what's the Pope's job again? I was born a Roman Catholic and after a million years of catechism, you think they would have gotten past the talking animal and teen choices discussion stories where every answer is "Jesus" and explained the giant hat to us.

By the way, according to Wikipedia, the pope-hat is called a mitre- and other than the three tiered tiara, and the mitre's relationship with Bishops, the significance is really limited to the colours. Also it seems that Western, Oriental and Eastern christianity all have different types of hats.

Verdict:
Almost every time the Pope looks out the window it's a pseudo event.
As In: Breaking News- Pope looks at pigeons outside window, pigeons fly into the sky, carrying his prayerful gaze into heaven.

Aside from making important religious decisions, the Pope's job is to be an event, and call attention to Christianity. Actually-even when he makes important religious decisions it's an event.
I couldn't imagine having so much gravity in my every action.
At the same time, who could call PR shenanigans on any of the good deeds the Pope does? Goodwill is goodwill.

Keep on truckin' Pope Benedict!

Winnipeg Free Press Article
Mitre Madness on Wikipedia